What is Toxic Positivity?

I have lots of clients coming through my door that consider themselves ‘negative thinkers’ and want to work on becoming ‘positive thinkers’. There are obvious down sides to focusing on the negatives in life but we don’t talk a lot about the down sides of being overly positive. For some people it’s news to find out that there are down sides at all to being too positive… Here are some Excessive risk-taking Overestimating skills and abilities Optimism bias Not learning from mistakes Inability to process emotions Being inauthentic Failing to prepare for the future Ignoring warning signs Although a sunny outlook is valuable another important downside that is being talked about more and more is Toxic Positivity. Imagine confiding in a friend about a tough situation, only to be met with a forced: 'Just stay positive!' That's the essence of Toxic Positivity. Author and Psychologist Susan David defines it as ‘Forced and false positivity. It may sound innocuous on the surface but when you share something difficult with someone and they insist that you turn it into a positive, what they are really saying is, 'my comfort is more important than your reality'.’ Other descriptions are: Toxic Positivity means having a "good vibes only" approach to life and discarding any seemingly negative emotions. It denies people the authentic support they need to cope with what they are facing. The Negative Side of Toxic Positivity Toxic Positivity prioritises cheer over authenticity and can lead to emotional suppression, as people feel pressured to hide their true feelings to conform to the expectations of those around them. Suppressing emotions can have serious consequences on mental health, contributing to increased stress, anxiety and depression. Healthier Frames of Focus Focus on the Helpful & Comfortable A different frame of reference for changing your direction of focus away from the traditional negative/positive can be from unhelpful and uncomfortable thoughts, feelings and physical sensations to helpful and comfortable ones. This is one that I work on with many clients in our sessions together. It has its basis in the all important life principle that ‘what we focus on, we amplify’. Embrace Reality Another more helpful focus is a realistic one. We live in a more and more complex world and our skills to navigate life need to meet the challenge so we can live well, have ‘A Sweet Life’. Good therapy can help us develop skills and tools to deal with the reality of life and its ups and downs. Milton Erikson was an American psychiatrist and psychologist specialising in medical hypnosis and family therapy in the 1900s. He was the founding president of the American Society for Clinical Hypnosis. His daughter Betty Alice Erickson compiled his ‘Rules for Life’ which he lived by and taught his children and were the backbone of his philosophy and are a great reality check. And, because they are rules like 'what goes up, must come down' they are essentially true however you look at them. As Betty Alice put it ‘Nobody has to follow them, but rules of life, of physics, exist regardless of whether or not you believe in or follow them. They seem simple, and they are. But most of life, most of therapy, is simple – or as I say, when I am teaching Dad’s work ‘Erickson was profoundly simple and simply profound.'' Here are a few of Milton’s Rules for Life (in Betty’s words) that can help us keep our feet on the ground and meet life on life’s terms Every choice costs ‘Unfortunately, but also fortunately, we can’t know the future. So we never know the full cost or benefit of any choice. You thought, considered, wondered, and then made the best choice you could make. Some choices turn out as good, as we had planned, thought and hoped. Some choices have unexpected good or bad consequences. Adults have been alive long enough to know that; that’s one reason children need strong parents. Learning can always result from any choice, if we decide to learn. If we don’t, then we don’t even get to pull that benefit out of a poor choice. Children know this benefit automatically–mistakes teach us.’

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